On Wednesday, I had a very interesting discussion with someone I had not met before, all about the choices we make in life. This is because last week I had my head down in a tender for a contract that would be wonderful to do. But the tender was huge, the budget low. And I wasn’t very comfortable about the fee in relation to the workload and the timespan. It didn’t feel right, lacked balance. If it was simply not good enough money, I could let it go. If it was a shorter-term contract, it could work. If it provided more money, or demanded less time, it would be fantastic. And if the tender wouldn’t consume the whole of my weekend trying to answer questions designed for a major supplier contract, I would have happily filled it in, because I would have loved doing the work. It was right up my street, metaphorically, literally, professionally and philosophically.
Last night I was given a session of Alexander Technique with John Stevenson. It is all about balance of body and mind, emotions and gravity. It was fascinating. We began by the therapist throwing small bean bags my way, like playing ball. The instruction evolved as we went. First, I was asked to stand and catch them, as they were sent towards me. Then some were sent wider, or higher. Sometimes I was told to catch, other times not to catch. Then I was told I could decide what to do myself, not take an either/or direction from him. Added to that was the choice to actively move to catch, or avoid. Each movement was a decision made fast. It was incredibly relaxing to do this and it meant my body was finding its balance without my deliberately doing anything in relation to my posture. Gravity will always out. The rest of the session raised my consciousness about how I hold my body in a constant state of tension, and how it feels to let that go. (John’s website)
This morning I see a relationship between these two conversations. And it’s all about balance. In life, in body and in mind. The job opportunity was approached in a similar way to the balls being sent wildly around me and my trying to catch them, because I believed I should. I wanted to get the contract and would move around and adjust my thinking, or position, to do so. But It didn’t feel right and began to make me feel very stressed. As the tension accelerated I knew that, just like the balls, it doesn’t matter if I decide not to catch anything. If I decide to stand still, relax, breathe, and let them hit the ground, it’s ok.
Had the ball game been a competition, like the job application, I would have worked much harder, as I did with the tender. Because there would be a reward dangling, a contract. The ball game didn’t matter to anyone else – the aim was about making me feel stable physically and emotionally. I gave nothing, and had nothing to lose.
Muscle memory in the body is not always a good thing, especially if we have developed bad habits. The brain is a muscle, use it wisely.
I’m really glad I didn’t chase something that would make me anxious. Instead I spent the weekend seeing friends, walking in the wonderful forest on a sunny autumn day. There will be other beanbags, other opportunities. I’ve learned a lesson this week. Thank you to both partners in conversation, even though you may not have intended to have this impact on me.
And thanks to my friends that celebrated my release last weekend!